Today I came to the realization that I hadn't posted anything on here in the new year, crazy isn't it? Between school, work, and trying to fit in family friends and doctor's appointments, the beginning of new year has gone by surprisingly fast.
I have been thinking a lot lately of things I had growing up. Not just material things, but the experiences and people I had in my life. I have always cherished the memories I have had with friends ands loved ones, and I guess I always assumed things would stay the same and as I got a little more busy, I always thought to myself, "Oh, I will have time later to make more memories." Over the past few months I have realized this wasn't the case. I got a phone call from my parents one night while I was laying in bed and I automatically went into freak mode. My family never calls me at night or the early morning unless something is wrong. I picked up the phone and I asked what was up and if everyone was okay. My sister went on to say "Well it's grandpa". Right there my heart dropped and every wonderful memory I made with him out on the farm, flashed in one quick second. My sister then continued on to say, "Grandpa was taking something outside to the burn barrel and he fell and broke both of his arms". My grandfather is not a young man, and breaking any bone at his age, let alone two very important appendages, is going to be hard to recover from. It scared me to think of him laying in the snow in pain and I'm sure scared himself. I always thought I would have all the time in the world with my grandparents, and I would have more time to start a family and take them to the farm where I grew up, to learn about farming and all the hard work it brings. Or even my grandma Ilene, I always thought "She's only 3 hours away, we can make the trip anytime". Kirk and I didn't do this nearly enough, and now that she is moving in with my parents 8 hours away. I wish I would have taken advantage of spending more time with her.
I always had my life so perfectly mapped out and everything was going to be perfect. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I guess I fooled myself into believing that with just some hard work and determination that my life would be exactly how I wanted it to be.
I always pictured myself going on to College and getting my degree in Early Elementary Education, and I would become a 4th grade teacher that all the kids and parents alike, would love. Well after 3 years at Boise State I realized that teaching wasn't the best career field to go into, not that it isn't rewarding to the spirit, but because in our state, teachers are not a necessity when it comes to our state budget. I took what I had already done credit wise and I am going back to school to become an RN. While I also enjoy the medical field, I always pictured myself as a teacher. Maybe some day that dream will come true but for right now it's not realistic for me.
Another thing I always pictured for myself was to be in a career, and be very successful at it before I even thought about getting married. I don't have a career yet, but I do have a job, and I enjoy my job and I am very good at it. While it doesn't pay a great salary I always pictured having, it helps pay the bills. I am not unhappy in my marriage by any means, I love Kirk with every part of my being and he is my very very best friend in the universe :) But sometimes I wished I contributed more to our marriage financially right now.
I also always pictured getting married to a wonderful man, (which anyone who knows Kirk would agree that I did do this) and starting a beautiful family with him. I always pictured sitting down to have the "talk" and planning out our family. NEVER in a million years did I think that at the age of 23, that I would be in and out of the hospital for 2 years, and no one knew what was going on, until one day they figured it all out and said "oh by the way, we think you would benefit greatly from a full hysterectomy." This terrified both Kirk and I so we decided why wait for a family, so we started trying. We thought it would be simple, boy were we wrong. A few thousands of dollars, many uncomfortable procedures (both physically and emotionally) and over a year later, we still have no baby. We have been through so much, and some days it seems worth it, and others it's questionable. We have an appointment in a week to find out what our next option is, and basically to decide if having our own baby is worth $52,000 to us, or if going through hoops and being made to feel like I am less of a "mother" because I didn't birth the child is really worth adopting.
I guess the fact that "things didn't go according to plan" can be chalked up to life lessons. Believe me, in the last year I have learned more than I think I have in my entire life, but it doesn't make things any easier.
I tell myself everyday that I am incredibly lucky to have what I have and to remember that I am only as strong as the support system I have. (Thanks support system for all the help, I love you all more than you will ever realize.) I guess the thing I am trying to get at here, among all this rambling is: Appreciate everyday you are given. Tell the ones you love, that you love and appreciate them every single day, you never know when that person may be called back to heaven. Appreciate all that you have, other's may not be as lucky. And the biggest thing is, laugh at least 10 times a days. It always makes you feel better ;) And things may not turn out the way that you always imagined, but they are the way they are because God has a plan for you. You may not always understand (I know I don't have one clue as to what he has in store for me) but to just trust that he has your best interest at heart.
Until Next Time!
No comments:
Post a Comment