So, the last time I was on here was far too long ago! When we last left off Kirk and I were in the middle of starting a little more aggressive fertility treatment. We went through one round of a medicated IUI, and unfortunately it didn't work. Every month would come and I would feel like there was a little bit of a chance that we could finally be pregnant with our miracle baby, but when we finally started with the injections and the IUI itself, I felt like it was going to be a sure bet. As stupid as I knew thinking that was, I still got my hopes up, and my heart was completely broken when we didn't end up pregnant. Kirk and I sat down after this and talked about our options, and whether to try again, or put everything on hold for a little bit and try to save up. Going to a fertility clinic, while a blessing, is extremely pricey and nothing can be sent to insurance, or at least ours. We decided to take one more chance, and try another round before putting it on hold. So we started another cycle. I started more meds, and I made Kirk take an arsenal of vitamins :) This round I ended up taking more inject-able meds than last time and prayed it helped. Taking more meds this round meant we had to be a little more creative when it came to taking my meds, because we weren't sitting home at all times. With these inject-able meds, they had to be taken at the same time everyday you take it. One day I had to take them we were at a nice restaurant eating sushi and I had to inject myself in the bathroom. I had my mother in law go with me because I was so terrified that someone would come into the bathroom and totally think I was a junky shooting up in the stall next to them. Not to mention the fact that bathrooms are not the cleanest places, and I didn't want any funky diseases haha :) Another time we had to take my meds, I needed Kirk's help injected myself with our "trigger" shot which was a time specific shot. We got side tracked while out with our friends, and my husband ended up having to inject me with meds in the back seat of our friend's car in the parking lot of a sports bar. Yeah... go ahead picture that and laugh, it was not one of my finest moments. All of our creativity, and Kirk taking vitamins really paid off. We went in for our IUI day and the first thing our nurse said was "good job" to Kirk. Apparently his numbers were extremely high. Normal, good numbers are in the 30 million, and he was over 150 million. Needless to say he was pretty proud of himself. Then the nurse looked at me and said there were a possible of 4 eggs released. I was excited, but also a little nervous that it may not work again, or that it would work too well and we would end up with four babies all at once haha. Well it all paid off because I am happy to say I am now 7 months pregnant. :) But all the stories from our first "positive" to this point I will go ahead and do different posts for those, so this one doesn't seem so long!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Just something else to juggle....
So Kirk and I had our first appointment with our RE at the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine, yesterday and it was seriously one of the longest doctor appointments of my life! We showed up at 3 PM and didn't leave until 5 PM, and that's because they were closing.
While it was a long appointment we learned a lot, and felt reassured knowing we were being treated by the best, and most caring staff out there. We walked into the appointment not knowing what exactly to expect. I knew only what my OB/GYN had told me, but she admitted she was not a specialist and didn't know everything about infertility, and that I would be a good candidate to meet with a RE. The Dr. who we met with was Dr. Slater. She was just amazing! She told us how happy she was to have all my records, and how happy she was that Dr. Chasan had been proactive enough to order all the tests I had done. We still ended up having to do blood work, an ultra sound, and a lesson in jabbing myself with injections ;) but she said since I had the necessary tests done, half of the work was already done, and she had a care plan ready for us.
She went on to explain that since I suffer from PCOS I wasn't ovulating every month. She told us that in order to fix that to get pregnant she wants to over stimulate my ovaries. She said to do this I would take Clomid at the beginning of my cycle, like I did with Dr. Chasan, but the difference here was I would get three viles of Brevelle and inject myself with them so my brain would tell my body to mature the eggs even more. She said that the goal is get at least 2 mature follicles. (2 follicles = a chance at 2 babies!) She said sometimes it makes more than 2 follicles with obviously means the more mature follicles the more of a chance at getting more babies :) (As exciting as this sounds to me, Kirk is not thrilled about the idea of having twins or triplets haha) She then told us that if she saw mature follicles, and they had not yet released an the egg, she would give me the HcG trigger shot to signal the release of the egg. 24-36 hours after I receive the shot I will then go back to the office and have an IUI performed. She said it wouldn't end there. She told me they would want more blood work done, and they would be putting me on a progesterone to help increase the chances of the "baby" implanting in my uterus. She said I would continue to take the progesterone through the first trimester if we ended up pregnant, to help lessen the chances of another miscarriage.
As she told us all of this my head was swimming! I was thinking of how expensive (about $1000 a cycle) and time consuming this is all going to be. I mean what happened to making a baby in the comfort of your own home and on your own time?! :) But seriously, with school, work, and home obligations it's going to crazy to try and juggle everything. I know in the end it will be worth it to finally start our own little family. Having the ability to go to a specialist is such a blessing. It's also a blessing that I have a husband who works so hard to make the money that will pay for our little family, and he does all of this out of love for me and the family we will someday have. This has all been such a blessing in disguise, everything from being in constant pain to the pain of the emotional ups and downs from month to month. The pain has made me respect my body and myself a lot more, and helped me to realize the lifestyle changes that were necessary for us to make (even though if you ask Kirk soy milk and tofu sucks haha) The hardship that comes along with infertility is limitless. It has made our marriage stronger, helping us to communicate better with each other, and appreciate the other so much more. It has helped us to learn to save better. Fertility treatment isn't cheap and you can't just "put it on your tab" it's all due up front. It's also helped us realize that while we may have a few things in our life that is challenging, we really are very lucky to have what we have. And the biggest thing, is it has helped us to realize the amazing support system we have. We are so lucky to have the family and friends we do and we love you all so very, very much!
Until next time, remember to tell those that mean the world to you, that you love and appreciate them. Appreciate every day and every chance you are given. And, hey! If you have a hard time seeing the positive in a difficult situation, it could always be worse, right?!
While it was a long appointment we learned a lot, and felt reassured knowing we were being treated by the best, and most caring staff out there. We walked into the appointment not knowing what exactly to expect. I knew only what my OB/GYN had told me, but she admitted she was not a specialist and didn't know everything about infertility, and that I would be a good candidate to meet with a RE. The Dr. who we met with was Dr. Slater. She was just amazing! She told us how happy she was to have all my records, and how happy she was that Dr. Chasan had been proactive enough to order all the tests I had done. We still ended up having to do blood work, an ultra sound, and a lesson in jabbing myself with injections ;) but she said since I had the necessary tests done, half of the work was already done, and she had a care plan ready for us.
She went on to explain that since I suffer from PCOS I wasn't ovulating every month. She told us that in order to fix that to get pregnant she wants to over stimulate my ovaries. She said to do this I would take Clomid at the beginning of my cycle, like I did with Dr. Chasan, but the difference here was I would get three viles of Brevelle and inject myself with them so my brain would tell my body to mature the eggs even more. She said that the goal is get at least 2 mature follicles. (2 follicles = a chance at 2 babies!) She said sometimes it makes more than 2 follicles with obviously means the more mature follicles the more of a chance at getting more babies :) (As exciting as this sounds to me, Kirk is not thrilled about the idea of having twins or triplets haha) She then told us that if she saw mature follicles, and they had not yet released an the egg, she would give me the HcG trigger shot to signal the release of the egg. 24-36 hours after I receive the shot I will then go back to the office and have an IUI performed. She said it wouldn't end there. She told me they would want more blood work done, and they would be putting me on a progesterone to help increase the chances of the "baby" implanting in my uterus. She said I would continue to take the progesterone through the first trimester if we ended up pregnant, to help lessen the chances of another miscarriage.
As she told us all of this my head was swimming! I was thinking of how expensive (about $1000 a cycle) and time consuming this is all going to be. I mean what happened to making a baby in the comfort of your own home and on your own time?! :) But seriously, with school, work, and home obligations it's going to crazy to try and juggle everything. I know in the end it will be worth it to finally start our own little family. Having the ability to go to a specialist is such a blessing. It's also a blessing that I have a husband who works so hard to make the money that will pay for our little family, and he does all of this out of love for me and the family we will someday have. This has all been such a blessing in disguise, everything from being in constant pain to the pain of the emotional ups and downs from month to month. The pain has made me respect my body and myself a lot more, and helped me to realize the lifestyle changes that were necessary for us to make (even though if you ask Kirk soy milk and tofu sucks haha) The hardship that comes along with infertility is limitless. It has made our marriage stronger, helping us to communicate better with each other, and appreciate the other so much more. It has helped us to learn to save better. Fertility treatment isn't cheap and you can't just "put it on your tab" it's all due up front. It's also helped us realize that while we may have a few things in our life that is challenging, we really are very lucky to have what we have. And the biggest thing, is it has helped us to realize the amazing support system we have. We are so lucky to have the family and friends we do and we love you all so very, very much!
Until next time, remember to tell those that mean the world to you, that you love and appreciate them. Appreciate every day and every chance you are given. And, hey! If you have a hard time seeing the positive in a difficult situation, it could always be worse, right?!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
From childhood to adulthood... why can't it be the way we always pictured?
Today I came to the realization that I hadn't posted anything on here in the new year, crazy isn't it? Between school, work, and trying to fit in family friends and doctor's appointments, the beginning of new year has gone by surprisingly fast.
I have been thinking a lot lately of things I had growing up. Not just material things, but the experiences and people I had in my life. I have always cherished the memories I have had with friends ands loved ones, and I guess I always assumed things would stay the same and as I got a little more busy, I always thought to myself, "Oh, I will have time later to make more memories." Over the past few months I have realized this wasn't the case. I got a phone call from my parents one night while I was laying in bed and I automatically went into freak mode. My family never calls me at night or the early morning unless something is wrong. I picked up the phone and I asked what was up and if everyone was okay. My sister went on to say "Well it's grandpa". Right there my heart dropped and every wonderful memory I made with him out on the farm, flashed in one quick second. My sister then continued on to say, "Grandpa was taking something outside to the burn barrel and he fell and broke both of his arms". My grandfather is not a young man, and breaking any bone at his age, let alone two very important appendages, is going to be hard to recover from. It scared me to think of him laying in the snow in pain and I'm sure scared himself. I always thought I would have all the time in the world with my grandparents, and I would have more time to start a family and take them to the farm where I grew up, to learn about farming and all the hard work it brings. Or even my grandma Ilene, I always thought "She's only 3 hours away, we can make the trip anytime". Kirk and I didn't do this nearly enough, and now that she is moving in with my parents 8 hours away. I wish I would have taken advantage of spending more time with her.
I always had my life so perfectly mapped out and everything was going to be perfect. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I guess I fooled myself into believing that with just some hard work and determination that my life would be exactly how I wanted it to be.
I always pictured myself going on to College and getting my degree in Early Elementary Education, and I would become a 4th grade teacher that all the kids and parents alike, would love. Well after 3 years at Boise State I realized that teaching wasn't the best career field to go into, not that it isn't rewarding to the spirit, but because in our state, teachers are not a necessity when it comes to our state budget. I took what I had already done credit wise and I am going back to school to become an RN. While I also enjoy the medical field, I always pictured myself as a teacher. Maybe some day that dream will come true but for right now it's not realistic for me.
Another thing I always pictured for myself was to be in a career, and be very successful at it before I even thought about getting married. I don't have a career yet, but I do have a job, and I enjoy my job and I am very good at it. While it doesn't pay a great salary I always pictured having, it helps pay the bills. I am not unhappy in my marriage by any means, I love Kirk with every part of my being and he is my very very best friend in the universe :) But sometimes I wished I contributed more to our marriage financially right now.
I also always pictured getting married to a wonderful man, (which anyone who knows Kirk would agree that I did do this) and starting a beautiful family with him. I always pictured sitting down to have the "talk" and planning out our family. NEVER in a million years did I think that at the age of 23, that I would be in and out of the hospital for 2 years, and no one knew what was going on, until one day they figured it all out and said "oh by the way, we think you would benefit greatly from a full hysterectomy." This terrified both Kirk and I so we decided why wait for a family, so we started trying. We thought it would be simple, boy were we wrong. A few thousands of dollars, many uncomfortable procedures (both physically and emotionally) and over a year later, we still have no baby. We have been through so much, and some days it seems worth it, and others it's questionable. We have an appointment in a week to find out what our next option is, and basically to decide if having our own baby is worth $52,000 to us, or if going through hoops and being made to feel like I am less of a "mother" because I didn't birth the child is really worth adopting.
I guess the fact that "things didn't go according to plan" can be chalked up to life lessons. Believe me, in the last year I have learned more than I think I have in my entire life, but it doesn't make things any easier.
I tell myself everyday that I am incredibly lucky to have what I have and to remember that I am only as strong as the support system I have. (Thanks support system for all the help, I love you all more than you will ever realize.) I guess the thing I am trying to get at here, among all this rambling is: Appreciate everyday you are given. Tell the ones you love, that you love and appreciate them every single day, you never know when that person may be called back to heaven. Appreciate all that you have, other's may not be as lucky. And the biggest thing is, laugh at least 10 times a days. It always makes you feel better ;) And things may not turn out the way that you always imagined, but they are the way they are because God has a plan for you. You may not always understand (I know I don't have one clue as to what he has in store for me) but to just trust that he has your best interest at heart.
Until Next Time!
I have been thinking a lot lately of things I had growing up. Not just material things, but the experiences and people I had in my life. I have always cherished the memories I have had with friends ands loved ones, and I guess I always assumed things would stay the same and as I got a little more busy, I always thought to myself, "Oh, I will have time later to make more memories." Over the past few months I have realized this wasn't the case. I got a phone call from my parents one night while I was laying in bed and I automatically went into freak mode. My family never calls me at night or the early morning unless something is wrong. I picked up the phone and I asked what was up and if everyone was okay. My sister went on to say "Well it's grandpa". Right there my heart dropped and every wonderful memory I made with him out on the farm, flashed in one quick second. My sister then continued on to say, "Grandpa was taking something outside to the burn barrel and he fell and broke both of his arms". My grandfather is not a young man, and breaking any bone at his age, let alone two very important appendages, is going to be hard to recover from. It scared me to think of him laying in the snow in pain and I'm sure scared himself. I always thought I would have all the time in the world with my grandparents, and I would have more time to start a family and take them to the farm where I grew up, to learn about farming and all the hard work it brings. Or even my grandma Ilene, I always thought "She's only 3 hours away, we can make the trip anytime". Kirk and I didn't do this nearly enough, and now that she is moving in with my parents 8 hours away. I wish I would have taken advantage of spending more time with her.
I always had my life so perfectly mapped out and everything was going to be perfect. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I guess I fooled myself into believing that with just some hard work and determination that my life would be exactly how I wanted it to be.
I always pictured myself going on to College and getting my degree in Early Elementary Education, and I would become a 4th grade teacher that all the kids and parents alike, would love. Well after 3 years at Boise State I realized that teaching wasn't the best career field to go into, not that it isn't rewarding to the spirit, but because in our state, teachers are not a necessity when it comes to our state budget. I took what I had already done credit wise and I am going back to school to become an RN. While I also enjoy the medical field, I always pictured myself as a teacher. Maybe some day that dream will come true but for right now it's not realistic for me.
Another thing I always pictured for myself was to be in a career, and be very successful at it before I even thought about getting married. I don't have a career yet, but I do have a job, and I enjoy my job and I am very good at it. While it doesn't pay a great salary I always pictured having, it helps pay the bills. I am not unhappy in my marriage by any means, I love Kirk with every part of my being and he is my very very best friend in the universe :) But sometimes I wished I contributed more to our marriage financially right now.
I also always pictured getting married to a wonderful man, (which anyone who knows Kirk would agree that I did do this) and starting a beautiful family with him. I always pictured sitting down to have the "talk" and planning out our family. NEVER in a million years did I think that at the age of 23, that I would be in and out of the hospital for 2 years, and no one knew what was going on, until one day they figured it all out and said "oh by the way, we think you would benefit greatly from a full hysterectomy." This terrified both Kirk and I so we decided why wait for a family, so we started trying. We thought it would be simple, boy were we wrong. A few thousands of dollars, many uncomfortable procedures (both physically and emotionally) and over a year later, we still have no baby. We have been through so much, and some days it seems worth it, and others it's questionable. We have an appointment in a week to find out what our next option is, and basically to decide if having our own baby is worth $52,000 to us, or if going through hoops and being made to feel like I am less of a "mother" because I didn't birth the child is really worth adopting.
I guess the fact that "things didn't go according to plan" can be chalked up to life lessons. Believe me, in the last year I have learned more than I think I have in my entire life, but it doesn't make things any easier.
I tell myself everyday that I am incredibly lucky to have what I have and to remember that I am only as strong as the support system I have. (Thanks support system for all the help, I love you all more than you will ever realize.) I guess the thing I am trying to get at here, among all this rambling is: Appreciate everyday you are given. Tell the ones you love, that you love and appreciate them every single day, you never know when that person may be called back to heaven. Appreciate all that you have, other's may not be as lucky. And the biggest thing is, laugh at least 10 times a days. It always makes you feel better ;) And things may not turn out the way that you always imagined, but they are the way they are because God has a plan for you. You may not always understand (I know I don't have one clue as to what he has in store for me) but to just trust that he has your best interest at heart.
Until Next Time!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Things for Me to Remember in the New Year!
As I sit here getting ready to celebrate another year gone by, I am thinking about this past year. It has had its ups and downs but for the most part I am one lucky girl! I got married to my best friend, went back to school, I made so many wonderful new friends, and made even more wonderful memories with old friends and my family.
So as I sit here thinking of all these wonderful things I also think that with a new year comes new opportunities, and I am determined to take advantage of all of them and there are a few things that I need to remember.
1: My insurance deducible is no longer met. (just kidding, but totally serious)
2: If I think I am having a bad day, I will just turn the TV to Judge Joe Brown and just take a look at those classy people.
3: To not get mad when people cut me off on the connector, obviosuly if they are determined to cut me off when I am going 15 over the speed limit they are in a much bigger hurry than I am.
4: When the front and back rows at school feel the need to say something oh so "intelligent" listen and take it for what it is, complete entertainment.
5: When my husband comes home and undresses at the front door, not to get mad, just let his clothes pile up, and then after awhile maybe the dog will have new chew toys.
6: When my friends come over for a night full of good times, to lock the bathroom door at a certain point in the night, because if not someone will pass out and lock themselves in the bathroom. (You know who you are)
7: To not leave homework until the "11th hour" as Mr. Thompson calls it.
8: When a small child, who will not be named, grabs my chest when I hold him, not to get upset because it is a little less creepy than if a full grown man who is a complete stranger comes up and out of nowhere grabs my chest. (yes it has happened, such classy people I run into)
These were all in fun, but seriously things for me to remember in 2011:
1: I was blessed to be born into such a wonderful family. No matter what, remember this. Even if Dad yells at me for dropping an ice cube on the hard wood floor, or for putting the recycling in the wrong can. Even if Mom texts me at 11 PM asking who's number it was, (haha kidding mom). Even if my sister takes me on scary streets in Eugene, Oregon to jump her car over humps in the road, and even if my other sister locks herself in my bathroom after a night out on the town.
2: I am blessed to have met the man of my dreams, and to have had him finally marry me! ;) I got to have such a wonderful wedding, which I will never forget because it was such a beautiful moment, and because I had a blast, even if Josh C. tried to dance up on me like a mad man when I was dancing the cha-cha-slide.
3: I am blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. They are a family full of jokesters, just like me, and I can be myself around them. Plus I gained another wonderful sister :) even if I have to order 20 tacos at Jack in the Box at 1 AM
4: I am blessed to have such wonderful friends. We have made some wonderful memories in the past year alone! There are some that are there for me when I need a good time and a good laugh, and there are others who are there for me when I need to cry until I look like sloth from the Goonies (anyone who has seen me like this, I am so sorry haha)
5: When I feel defeated by something, to keep my head up. God has a plan for me, and I need to stay on that path and do the best I can.
6: By the end of 2011, I will be finished with school! (At least for awhile)
7: When I feel like nothing else in my life could possibly get any worse, it can, so not to think like that. I can't let these things get to me!
8: No matter what I have set in front of me, I can do my best to handle it the way God wants me to.
9: We may not have any babies yet, (which we are hoping for in the new year) but we have 3 wonderful fur-babies, who are ALL spoiled rotten!
10: That it is a new year and I can make this year a great one! I have a wonderful husband, wonderful fur-babies who cheer me up, a wonderful family, and great friends.
For everyone who is involved in my life, I can't wait to see what the next year brings us! I love you all and hope you all have a wonderful and SAFE time tonight! :)
Here are a few pics from our life in 2010, ENJOY!!!!
So as I sit here thinking of all these wonderful things I also think that with a new year comes new opportunities, and I am determined to take advantage of all of them and there are a few things that I need to remember.
1: My insurance deducible is no longer met. (just kidding, but totally serious)
2: If I think I am having a bad day, I will just turn the TV to Judge Joe Brown and just take a look at those classy people.
3: To not get mad when people cut me off on the connector, obviosuly if they are determined to cut me off when I am going 15 over the speed limit they are in a much bigger hurry than I am.
4: When the front and back rows at school feel the need to say something oh so "intelligent" listen and take it for what it is, complete entertainment.
5: When my husband comes home and undresses at the front door, not to get mad, just let his clothes pile up, and then after awhile maybe the dog will have new chew toys.
6: When my friends come over for a night full of good times, to lock the bathroom door at a certain point in the night, because if not someone will pass out and lock themselves in the bathroom. (You know who you are)
7: To not leave homework until the "11th hour" as Mr. Thompson calls it.
8: When a small child, who will not be named, grabs my chest when I hold him, not to get upset because it is a little less creepy than if a full grown man who is a complete stranger comes up and out of nowhere grabs my chest. (yes it has happened, such classy people I run into)
These were all in fun, but seriously things for me to remember in 2011:
1: I was blessed to be born into such a wonderful family. No matter what, remember this. Even if Dad yells at me for dropping an ice cube on the hard wood floor, or for putting the recycling in the wrong can. Even if Mom texts me at 11 PM asking who's number it was, (haha kidding mom). Even if my sister takes me on scary streets in Eugene, Oregon to jump her car over humps in the road, and even if my other sister locks herself in my bathroom after a night out on the town.
2: I am blessed to have met the man of my dreams, and to have had him finally marry me! ;) I got to have such a wonderful wedding, which I will never forget because it was such a beautiful moment, and because I had a blast, even if Josh C. tried to dance up on me like a mad man when I was dancing the cha-cha-slide.
3: I am blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. They are a family full of jokesters, just like me, and I can be myself around them. Plus I gained another wonderful sister :) even if I have to order 20 tacos at Jack in the Box at 1 AM
4: I am blessed to have such wonderful friends. We have made some wonderful memories in the past year alone! There are some that are there for me when I need a good time and a good laugh, and there are others who are there for me when I need to cry until I look like sloth from the Goonies (anyone who has seen me like this, I am so sorry haha)
5: When I feel defeated by something, to keep my head up. God has a plan for me, and I need to stay on that path and do the best I can.
6: By the end of 2011, I will be finished with school! (At least for awhile)
7: When I feel like nothing else in my life could possibly get any worse, it can, so not to think like that. I can't let these things get to me!
8: No matter what I have set in front of me, I can do my best to handle it the way God wants me to.
9: We may not have any babies yet, (which we are hoping for in the new year) but we have 3 wonderful fur-babies, who are ALL spoiled rotten!
10: That it is a new year and I can make this year a great one! I have a wonderful husband, wonderful fur-babies who cheer me up, a wonderful family, and great friends.
For everyone who is involved in my life, I can't wait to see what the next year brings us! I love you all and hope you all have a wonderful and SAFE time tonight! :)
Here are a few pics from our life in 2010, ENJOY!!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Power of Prayer.... and One Amazing Husband.
Today was the big day. I had the hardest time waiting for four days to have my hysterosalpingogram done. (For anyone who may not know what that is here is a link to explain: http://www.advancedfertility.com/hsg.htm ) I was worried about what it would feel like, if it would hurt, and of course what the results would be. My wait of a few days just happened to be due to the Christmas Holiday, and while sitting and watching my family and their beautiful children celebrate together, the stress of the unknown made it even harder for me to watch the children and their excitement over Christmas and Santa. I know to some this may sound childish, but I am only human and there is no handbook on to handle the emotions that come along with infertility. I always try to deal the best way I can. I wasn't only worried/upset about my scheduled HSG, but we also found out that I was out this cycle because I couldn't take medicine due to a cyst, which means no ovulation this cycle.
My appointment was this morning, and I have to say for the past 3 days I have barely slept at all. I was so worried about whether or not my tubes were blocked. I was told by my doctor that blocked tubes equaled In-Vitro as the only means of me ever getting pregnant. In-Vitro is not cheap, and I can honestly say I don't think we would ever be able to afford that. The night before my test was to be done, I got on facebook and asked my friends there to pray for my husband and I. I truly believe in the healing power of the Lord, and felt if anything could help me out in this situation, it would be by the grace of God.
I was lucky enough to be able to have my husband there with me. As I checked in to St. Lukes, my anxiety level was through the roof! Having the amazing husband I do, he recommended that I bring my knitting along with me to the hospital so when I got nervous I could knit and get my mind off of it. I have to admit that while I was waiting I was knitting and had two older women look at me with big smiles on their faces. I got called back to the radiology room, and the tech had it all set up and ready to go. The second we got into the room she showed me what I needed to change into. When she said this, I lost it. I started crying and apologized to her, I felt horrible breaking down like that in front of a complete stranger. She hugged me and told me it was okay, and explained that she has never had anyone say that the pain caused by the test was unbearable. I explained to her that I wasn't as worried about pain, that I had more tests and scans done to me in the past year and a half than in my entire life. I continued by telling her I was afraid of what the results would end up to be. She told me that a blocked tube didn't always mean it was the end of the road, and that St. Lukes was full of amazing, caring doctors who would help us as much as humanly possible. She also told me that if it would help that my husband could stay in the room with a lead jacket on and hold my hand through it all. I asked Kirk if he would be willing to do that for me, and he smiled me and said there was no way he was leaving me alone in the room. I got positioned on the table, and it all started. I will not say it was the worst thing I have ever gone through, but it was not something I would ever wish to do again. Kirk stood next to me, and held my hand. Kirk and I have this little thing we do where I squeeze his hand three times for "I love you" and he squeezes back four times for "I love you too". Usually I am the one who squeezes three times and he does it back, but today he squeezed my hand three times while I was laying on the table. It melted my heart, and reminded me that I have one of the best husbands in the world! The test hurt, and I had to move around to get all the x-rays that were needed. When the test was done the doctor was nice enough to go over the results for me. He started from the beginning, and showed me all the x-rays, and explained what was going on in each x-ray. He got to one x-ray and explained that my tubes were clear now. I think Kirk was more relieved than I was, which is saying a lot because I thought I heard him wrong. Kirk held my hand so tightly and leaned down to me and said, "finally, some good news baby," and he kissed me. The doctor explained that I had a small blockage, but the force behind the flush of iodine contrast had flushed it out. He went on to tell us that the chance of getting pregnant after an HSG are really high within 3 months of having the test done.
Kirk and I were so relieved after the test, I think we both felt like we were walking on air, (even though I had lingering pain from the test that made me walk a little funny). As we were driving back to Kirk's work, he admitted to me that he was terrified going in to the test and he had prayed so many times over the past few days. He apologized for not telling me he was worried, but explained it was because he knew I was really stressed about it and didn't want to make it worse.
I honestly think that the test results came out so well because of all of those who prayed for us. The power of prayer is undeniable, and I need to remember that God is watching over us and things will happen when it is best for us according to God's plan. Even though all of this has been very difficult on Kirk and myself, it has been, in a way, good for us. It has made our marriage much stronger, and has made us develop much stronger communication skills. I love my husband so much and today will be a day that will be forever be in my memory all because of the wonderful husband I have. I honestly think I wouldn't have been able to make it though the HSG if my husband hadn't been there and been strong for me.
Kirk Ray I love you so much, and having you by my side makes everything worth it. Thank you for being you, for being so loving, and for being strong especially when I can't.
To everyone who has sent us their prayers, we thank you. It is comforting to know that so many wonderful people are out there sending us love and prayers to help us cope through this all.
I am one lucky girl, and I never want to forget to count my blessings every day.
My appointment was this morning, and I have to say for the past 3 days I have barely slept at all. I was so worried about whether or not my tubes were blocked. I was told by my doctor that blocked tubes equaled In-Vitro as the only means of me ever getting pregnant. In-Vitro is not cheap, and I can honestly say I don't think we would ever be able to afford that. The night before my test was to be done, I got on facebook and asked my friends there to pray for my husband and I. I truly believe in the healing power of the Lord, and felt if anything could help me out in this situation, it would be by the grace of God.
I was lucky enough to be able to have my husband there with me. As I checked in to St. Lukes, my anxiety level was through the roof! Having the amazing husband I do, he recommended that I bring my knitting along with me to the hospital so when I got nervous I could knit and get my mind off of it. I have to admit that while I was waiting I was knitting and had two older women look at me with big smiles on their faces. I got called back to the radiology room, and the tech had it all set up and ready to go. The second we got into the room she showed me what I needed to change into. When she said this, I lost it. I started crying and apologized to her, I felt horrible breaking down like that in front of a complete stranger. She hugged me and told me it was okay, and explained that she has never had anyone say that the pain caused by the test was unbearable. I explained to her that I wasn't as worried about pain, that I had more tests and scans done to me in the past year and a half than in my entire life. I continued by telling her I was afraid of what the results would end up to be. She told me that a blocked tube didn't always mean it was the end of the road, and that St. Lukes was full of amazing, caring doctors who would help us as much as humanly possible. She also told me that if it would help that my husband could stay in the room with a lead jacket on and hold my hand through it all. I asked Kirk if he would be willing to do that for me, and he smiled me and said there was no way he was leaving me alone in the room. I got positioned on the table, and it all started. I will not say it was the worst thing I have ever gone through, but it was not something I would ever wish to do again. Kirk stood next to me, and held my hand. Kirk and I have this little thing we do where I squeeze his hand three times for "I love you" and he squeezes back four times for "I love you too". Usually I am the one who squeezes three times and he does it back, but today he squeezed my hand three times while I was laying on the table. It melted my heart, and reminded me that I have one of the best husbands in the world! The test hurt, and I had to move around to get all the x-rays that were needed. When the test was done the doctor was nice enough to go over the results for me. He started from the beginning, and showed me all the x-rays, and explained what was going on in each x-ray. He got to one x-ray and explained that my tubes were clear now. I think Kirk was more relieved than I was, which is saying a lot because I thought I heard him wrong. Kirk held my hand so tightly and leaned down to me and said, "finally, some good news baby," and he kissed me. The doctor explained that I had a small blockage, but the force behind the flush of iodine contrast had flushed it out. He went on to tell us that the chance of getting pregnant after an HSG are really high within 3 months of having the test done.
Kirk and I were so relieved after the test, I think we both felt like we were walking on air, (even though I had lingering pain from the test that made me walk a little funny). As we were driving back to Kirk's work, he admitted to me that he was terrified going in to the test and he had prayed so many times over the past few days. He apologized for not telling me he was worried, but explained it was because he knew I was really stressed about it and didn't want to make it worse.
I honestly think that the test results came out so well because of all of those who prayed for us. The power of prayer is undeniable, and I need to remember that God is watching over us and things will happen when it is best for us according to God's plan. Even though all of this has been very difficult on Kirk and myself, it has been, in a way, good for us. It has made our marriage much stronger, and has made us develop much stronger communication skills. I love my husband so much and today will be a day that will be forever be in my memory all because of the wonderful husband I have. I honestly think I wouldn't have been able to make it though the HSG if my husband hadn't been there and been strong for me.
Kirk Ray I love you so much, and having you by my side makes everything worth it. Thank you for being you, for being so loving, and for being strong especially when I can't.
To everyone who has sent us their prayers, we thank you. It is comforting to know that so many wonderful people are out there sending us love and prayers to help us cope through this all.
I am one lucky girl, and I never want to forget to count my blessings every day.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve in Boise?
Christmas has finally creeped up on me, and now I sit here realizing it is Christmas Eve and I don't know if I am ready for the big day. It may be that we have been so busy, that trying to keep track of the days are nearly impossible, or it could be that I am not in Oregon with my family. Please don't get me wrong, I love my Idaho family and I love every moment I get to spend with them, but it feels so strange for me not to be with my parents and sister. I have to admit for the past 23 years of my life I have taken Christmas Eve/Christmas with my family for granted. I had so many wonderful opportunities with my family like spending it in our wonderful home in American Falls, (that is now inhabited by a family with 8 children haha) going to Washington to spend time with my grandmother, going to Targhee and snowboarding until the lift attendants finally tell us they are closing for the day, and of course going to Oregon to spend it with no snow on the ground. Every memory I have made with my family I have loved and yet I don't think I ever took the time to thank my parents for everything they did for my sister and I, nor did I ever tell them how much that time with them meant to me.
MOM, DAD, & MERISSA: Thank you for everything you have given me, whether it was tangible or intangible. I have cherished every moment I have been given by the both of you. It kills me that I am not with you this Christmas.
With that being said, I am excited beyond belief to spend my FIRST CHRISTMAS with my husband. In the 4 years that we have been together, this will be our first Christmas together. I don't know what the future holds but I know the journey will make it all worth it. Prior to today, the memories we have made this December have not been the best, but from today on IT WILL be a wonderful time. We have a day filled with baking with the girls (and wine drinking), the boys will get to play x-box and be uninterrupted, and the kids will get to play and try and guess what gifts Santa will bring them tonight. Then later tonight we will get to have dinner with the extended family at Kirk's Aunt's house, (Also a first for me). Then to finish up the night, I will get to spend Christmas Eve cuddled up with my husband watching movies, and not have to sit by myself wondering what it was like to be with my husband.
It's hard being away from my family, but it has made me appreciate them so much more. I appreciate them for who they are, and the wonderful characteristics they each hold. I also appreciate each memory I am given by them. I love ALL of my family, and I appreciate ALL of them for who they are. I am excited to make memories with the McGinnis Family, and I am sure it will be a riot of a time.
I will get off my soap box now, :) and Kirk and I want to wish everyone A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MOM, DAD, & MERISSA: Thank you for everything you have given me, whether it was tangible or intangible. I have cherished every moment I have been given by the both of you. It kills me that I am not with you this Christmas.
With that being said, I am excited beyond belief to spend my FIRST CHRISTMAS with my husband. In the 4 years that we have been together, this will be our first Christmas together. I don't know what the future holds but I know the journey will make it all worth it. Prior to today, the memories we have made this December have not been the best, but from today on IT WILL be a wonderful time. We have a day filled with baking with the girls (and wine drinking), the boys will get to play x-box and be uninterrupted, and the kids will get to play and try and guess what gifts Santa will bring them tonight. Then later tonight we will get to have dinner with the extended family at Kirk's Aunt's house, (Also a first for me). Then to finish up the night, I will get to spend Christmas Eve cuddled up with my husband watching movies, and not have to sit by myself wondering what it was like to be with my husband.
It's hard being away from my family, but it has made me appreciate them so much more. I appreciate them for who they are, and the wonderful characteristics they each hold. I also appreciate each memory I am given by them. I love ALL of my family, and I appreciate ALL of them for who they are. I am excited to make memories with the McGinnis Family, and I am sure it will be a riot of a time.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Infertility... I Don't Wish it on Anyone.
I want to start off by saying that some of this may be a little detailed, and I apologize, but I wanted to make it that way so we can help those family members/friends who have asked us to help them understand what it is we are dealing with. I know a few of my closest friends/family members have had a lot of questions for us, and most of all, have tried to figure out how to help us along the way and we want to thank you all for all your love and support.
As some of you may know, Kirk and I have been trying to conceive for a year now. I know some of you are thinking we haven't even been married a year, which is true, but we were told early on that our chancesof getting pregnant would continue to decrease every year. With this being said, Kirk and I decided that having a family was important to us, so we would start trying. For about 4 months we weren't really all that worried, we were told that many people try for months before they get pregnant, so we figured what we were going through was normal.
While we were trying, I was using those stupid LH surge test sticks. For those of you who may not know what they are, they are like a pregnancy test, except they tell you when you have an LH surge, so you can know when you are about to ovulate. I was using them every month and getting nothing. I thought maybe I was doing it wrong, because anyone who has used these tests before can tell you they are tricky things at times. At this point in time I was not diagnosed with PCOD so I had no idea that I wasn't ovulating.
After my trip to the doctor where I was finally told what was going on with my body, we met with my doctor to talk about getting back to trying for a baby. First off, any woman who has ever tired to get pregnant, whether they were successful or not, will tell you that each month that goes by and they don't get pregnant is torture. I was excited, yet cautious about getting back to trying for our family. Our doctor told me all the medicine she was going to prescribe to help me regulate my hormones, and to help me ovulate. I was a little overwhelmed. I did some research on the meds, especially Clomid. I found out many things, like I could only take it 6 times in my life time because it causes the uterus to thin, and because it can cause cancer if it is used for a long period of time. I also found out what symptoms would come along with the medicine. I researched what it did exactly, and decided that as long as I did not use Clomid more than the 6 cycles, that the possible benefits outweighed the possible risks.
I started my first round of 50 mg of Clomid a day for 5 days. All the symptoms they warned me about, yep, I got them. I followed all the directions, and scheduled CD13 scan. I continued to take those stupid LH tests, but still got nothing. When I went in for my scan, they told me they were looking for any mature follicles on my ovary, that if there were a mature follicle they would be able to give me and HCG trigger shot so the follicle would release an egg to be fertilized. I went into the scan very excited, and hoping for a mature follicle. There was nothing there and I was devastated. I figured the medicine would help, at least a little, but my body didn't react to it at all. After I was finished with the scan, I met with my doctor to talk about my options. I asked many questions, and felt completely hopeless. My doctor told me that we could try another round at a higher dose and if I didn't respond to that, then I would need to go on to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I was upset when I left the office, and I told her I would think things over, and call her office if I decided to take another round of Clomid.
Needless to say as soon as my next cycle came around I had calmed down, and decided to start another dose. I took the medicine the exact same way as the time before, and I continued using the LH surge predictor tests. Good news came with this cycle, I got a positive LH surge. I called the doctor's office the next day (since I had a positive on a Sunday) to get in to get have a scan done. I was very nervous because I didn't want to get my hopes up. On this scan there was a dominant follicle! I was elated, and I hoped that the doctor would have some good news for me. She was glad to see I had responded to the medicine, but said the follicle wasn't exactly mature enough to get and HCG trigger shot. I was excited, and a little disappointed all at the same time.
This next part is a little rough, only one other person knows about this, and I am sorry that you are finding out through a blog, but it is a hard subject to just bring up in daily conversation, and I think getting it off my chest will be very therapeutic for me. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for us, I just want to help those people who have asked us to help them understand what we are going through.
Kirk and I carried on like usual, and early November 23rd I took a pregnancy test. I was beyond elated! I had finally achieved something that I wanted so badly. The excitement I felt was quickly replaced with fear and heartbreak. I had started my cycle, and it had come on with a vengeance. I called my doctor right away and was worked into her schedule. When everything was said and done, I was told that I was having a miscarriage due to an inadequate amount of progesterone. She told me that the good news was that my body responded the way it should, minus the drop in progesterone, and hopefully receiving the trigger shot next cycle would help boost production. I was upset, but I carried on, picking up my next round of medicine and using my trip to see my parents as a way to take my mind off of things.
We just finished the cycle I started in November, and I progressed even more. I had a mature follicle of 3cm went I went in for my CD15 scan. This follicle was large enough to receive the HCG trigger shot. I was given the shot and sent home. About a week after I was given the shot, I ended up in the ER due to the extreme pain I was in. The doctor at the hospital stabilized me, and had me follow up with my doctor the next day. I went to the doctor's office the very next day for another scan. I was shown 3 large follicles this time, and I became very worried. I thought that my medicine had caused my small cysts to become larger, and that I was not going to ovulate this cycle. I met with another doctor since mine was on call the night before, and he had some good news for me. He said that he had no doubt that I was in a lot of pain, that when you ovulate, the follicle bursts and what is left over is a corpus luteum, and it is bruised inside. He explained it as when a man is kicked in his privates :) except for with a woman it doesn't subside after a few minutes, it continues. I laughed at his little comment, and he continued by telling me I was in double the pain, possibly triple the pain because I released two eggs, possibly three. I was in shock, and the doctor could see it on my face. I went home and told Kirk the good news, and he was also in shock. He told me he wasn't sure about having two kids at once, especially if they were as high maintenance as their mother. Nice husband huh? We went through the 2 week wait, and unfortunately that cycle didn't work out either. We are trying to stay positive, and we are scheduled to see the doctor about where we go from here.
If I have learned anything thus far from our situation, it is that I have the best husband in the world. He has been there for the late night ER trips, and all the times I have thrown up from a mixture of hormones and extreme pain. He has heard me rant and rave about the female body so much he could probably become a gynecologist haha. I have also learned that keeping our faith in God has been one of the things that has really gotten us through everything so far.
The one biggest piece of advice I can give to someone is, don't think that you know exactly what someone is going through. Just try to be sympathetic to what they may be going through. I don't pretend to know what other women feel when they go through things I have never had to deal with, but I do try to be there for them and just listen when they need someone to talk to.
The good news is Christmas is coming up, so I should be done with the depressing posts for awhile. :)
To my family and friends who have asked me to explain things more, I hope this has done the job. I love all of my friends and family, and I am truly blessed to have you all in my life!
As some of you may know, Kirk and I have been trying to conceive for a year now. I know some of you are thinking we haven't even been married a year, which is true, but we were told early on that our chancesof getting pregnant would continue to decrease every year. With this being said, Kirk and I decided that having a family was important to us, so we would start trying. For about 4 months we weren't really all that worried, we were told that many people try for months before they get pregnant, so we figured what we were going through was normal.
While we were trying, I was using those stupid LH surge test sticks. For those of you who may not know what they are, they are like a pregnancy test, except they tell you when you have an LH surge, so you can know when you are about to ovulate. I was using them every month and getting nothing. I thought maybe I was doing it wrong, because anyone who has used these tests before can tell you they are tricky things at times. At this point in time I was not diagnosed with PCOD so I had no idea that I wasn't ovulating.
After my trip to the doctor where I was finally told what was going on with my body, we met with my doctor to talk about getting back to trying for a baby. First off, any woman who has ever tired to get pregnant, whether they were successful or not, will tell you that each month that goes by and they don't get pregnant is torture. I was excited, yet cautious about getting back to trying for our family. Our doctor told me all the medicine she was going to prescribe to help me regulate my hormones, and to help me ovulate. I was a little overwhelmed. I did some research on the meds, especially Clomid. I found out many things, like I could only take it 6 times in my life time because it causes the uterus to thin, and because it can cause cancer if it is used for a long period of time. I also found out what symptoms would come along with the medicine. I researched what it did exactly, and decided that as long as I did not use Clomid more than the 6 cycles, that the possible benefits outweighed the possible risks.
I started my first round of 50 mg of Clomid a day for 5 days. All the symptoms they warned me about, yep, I got them. I followed all the directions, and scheduled CD13 scan. I continued to take those stupid LH tests, but still got nothing. When I went in for my scan, they told me they were looking for any mature follicles on my ovary, that if there were a mature follicle they would be able to give me and HCG trigger shot so the follicle would release an egg to be fertilized. I went into the scan very excited, and hoping for a mature follicle. There was nothing there and I was devastated. I figured the medicine would help, at least a little, but my body didn't react to it at all. After I was finished with the scan, I met with my doctor to talk about my options. I asked many questions, and felt completely hopeless. My doctor told me that we could try another round at a higher dose and if I didn't respond to that, then I would need to go on to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I was upset when I left the office, and I told her I would think things over, and call her office if I decided to take another round of Clomid.
Needless to say as soon as my next cycle came around I had calmed down, and decided to start another dose. I took the medicine the exact same way as the time before, and I continued using the LH surge predictor tests. Good news came with this cycle, I got a positive LH surge. I called the doctor's office the next day (since I had a positive on a Sunday) to get in to get have a scan done. I was very nervous because I didn't want to get my hopes up. On this scan there was a dominant follicle! I was elated, and I hoped that the doctor would have some good news for me. She was glad to see I had responded to the medicine, but said the follicle wasn't exactly mature enough to get and HCG trigger shot. I was excited, and a little disappointed all at the same time.
This next part is a little rough, only one other person knows about this, and I am sorry that you are finding out through a blog, but it is a hard subject to just bring up in daily conversation, and I think getting it off my chest will be very therapeutic for me. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for us, I just want to help those people who have asked us to help them understand what we are going through.
Kirk and I carried on like usual, and early November 23rd I took a pregnancy test. I was beyond elated! I had finally achieved something that I wanted so badly. The excitement I felt was quickly replaced with fear and heartbreak. I had started my cycle, and it had come on with a vengeance. I called my doctor right away and was worked into her schedule. When everything was said and done, I was told that I was having a miscarriage due to an inadequate amount of progesterone. She told me that the good news was that my body responded the way it should, minus the drop in progesterone, and hopefully receiving the trigger shot next cycle would help boost production. I was upset, but I carried on, picking up my next round of medicine and using my trip to see my parents as a way to take my mind off of things.
We just finished the cycle I started in November, and I progressed even more. I had a mature follicle of 3cm went I went in for my CD15 scan. This follicle was large enough to receive the HCG trigger shot. I was given the shot and sent home. About a week after I was given the shot, I ended up in the ER due to the extreme pain I was in. The doctor at the hospital stabilized me, and had me follow up with my doctor the next day. I went to the doctor's office the very next day for another scan. I was shown 3 large follicles this time, and I became very worried. I thought that my medicine had caused my small cysts to become larger, and that I was not going to ovulate this cycle. I met with another doctor since mine was on call the night before, and he had some good news for me. He said that he had no doubt that I was in a lot of pain, that when you ovulate, the follicle bursts and what is left over is a corpus luteum, and it is bruised inside. He explained it as when a man is kicked in his privates :) except for with a woman it doesn't subside after a few minutes, it continues. I laughed at his little comment, and he continued by telling me I was in double the pain, possibly triple the pain because I released two eggs, possibly three. I was in shock, and the doctor could see it on my face. I went home and told Kirk the good news, and he was also in shock. He told me he wasn't sure about having two kids at once, especially if they were as high maintenance as their mother. Nice husband huh? We went through the 2 week wait, and unfortunately that cycle didn't work out either. We are trying to stay positive, and we are scheduled to see the doctor about where we go from here.
If I have learned anything thus far from our situation, it is that I have the best husband in the world. He has been there for the late night ER trips, and all the times I have thrown up from a mixture of hormones and extreme pain. He has heard me rant and rave about the female body so much he could probably become a gynecologist haha. I have also learned that keeping our faith in God has been one of the things that has really gotten us through everything so far.
The one biggest piece of advice I can give to someone is, don't think that you know exactly what someone is going through. Just try to be sympathetic to what they may be going through. I don't pretend to know what other women feel when they go through things I have never had to deal with, but I do try to be there for them and just listen when they need someone to talk to.
The good news is Christmas is coming up, so I should be done with the depressing posts for awhile. :)
To my family and friends who have asked me to explain things more, I hope this has done the job. I love all of my friends and family, and I am truly blessed to have you all in my life!
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